I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
