Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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