so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
