Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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