The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
