Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
