btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.