i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
