I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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