turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
