I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
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I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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