I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
