I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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