i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
