There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
