my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
