i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
