im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
