so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
