He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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