I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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