who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
