If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
