you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
