Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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