Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
