he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
