thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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