i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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