I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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