The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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