You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
