Jerry, you need to find god
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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