Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
