You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
