My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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