you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
