tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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