I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
