it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
