you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
