The best revenge is premature balding
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
