His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
