We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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