he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
