Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
