my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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