I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
