What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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