Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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