if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
