im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize