If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
