i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
