I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
