both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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